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| Wow, so i know it's been a looong time since i posted
So much happening, so little time to write about it
Life is good, yet still unstable...if that's a good word to use
Sometimes I feel like i'm floating down a river and i have absolutely
no control over where i go, which way i turn, how fast i go. Actually,
that's how i feel all the time.
I wish i could write a book about my life, and then that book would come true.
Today in my ethics class we talked about Taoism, and my prof made a
comment that your accomplishments cannot define you. So, if this
is true, then what is this life on earth worth? Should our only
motivation in life be so that we have a better life in our next life?
Who ever thought of these things. Now, I dont' really understand Taoism
and Buddhism and Reincarnation, etc. all that well, but i just can't
see my life without Jesus. What would my life be worth without him?
NOTHING. I would have nothing to life for, except myself...and right
now living for myself would suck because i'm kind of disgusted with
myself.
So right now my goals are to live for Jesus. To grow closer to my
family and friends. To have an impact in people's lives. I don't have
this burning desire to change the world anymore. I don't feel the need
to have my name live on for hunderds of years after my death. My only
wish in this life is to spread the name of Jesus Christ so that his
name will live on for hundreds, thousands, millions of years after my
death. I am one in a billion and I no longer feel the need to strive
for riches and fame. If i can change one person's life so that they
will spend eternity in heaven, then my mission is accomplished.
Life would be so much easier if i was a robot and people told me what to think and feel....
I also learned from Buddhism that our pleasures and the good things in
our lives really all come down to pain, and the only way to separate
ourselves from this pain is to unattach ourselves from everything, to
become one with ourself. How lonely is that. I would much rather feel
pain that not feel love. Anyone who has ever loved has of course felt
pain, --the song that says "Love is like a roller coaster" is so right.
I hate never knowing if i'm going to be up or down on that roller
coaster, but the ups are so wonderful that i'll take the downs. I LOVE
LOVE. yet i hate pain. I can't win.
to quote one of my favorite books from my childhood, "I'll love you
forever, I'll like you for always, as long as your living, my baby
you'll be." That about sums it up. This will never die, I love you. | | |
| Sometimes i wonder if things will ever be normal again
But i then wonder if my normal is just changing
why do i torture myself, wishing for things that my gut tells me won't ever happen
why do i even care? why don't i just take a few more steps forward and stop walking backwards?
i look around me at the world and see pain and misery, dissapointment, sorrow
yet my own pain, misery, disapointment and sorrow seem to some how be
worse than anything that anyone else could ever experience....
God just give me your answers! TELL ME WHAT YOU WANT ME TO DO
yet he stays quiet, waiting for me to trust him fully...i'm not sure i can do this
i want to be in control God
I want to tell you what i want to do
yet you will never stop loving me
and i will never understand why
draw me close to you and never let me go
| | |
| The confusion sets in
I can't decide what to do
My heart says yes, my mind says no
You say that you care
i don't know who to believe
who do i trust
who will hold my hand when i need a hand to hold
every night i go to sleep and my mind explodes wtih dreams
dreams of the future
bizarre dreams
real dreams
impossible dreams
i wish i could live in my day dreams
tell me what to say
tell me what to do
tell me where to go from here
carry me so i don't fall
all i ask is for you to love me and to never stop
| | |
| I just realized that i lost you, probably for forever. Do you know how much that hurts? Help me to let go...
| | |
| Do not be anxious about anything, but with thanksgiving present your
prayers and petitions to God, and the peace of God that surpasses all
understanding will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.
Phillipians 4:6-7
Thank you God...you are my strength. I'm sorry
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